


when daylight falters

by orphan_account



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cancer, Egobang - Freeform, Fluff and Smut, Gen, M/M, Major Illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-17 14:54:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3533561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dan, arin, and the rest of the grumps are high school students in their senior year of high school. dan and arin have been friends for most of their lives, and spend almost every waking moment together. rumors fly of their potential gay relationship, which become more of an issue when arin admits his feelings. things don't work out, but after dan gets sick, they are both forced to truly evaluate their feelings with the imminent threats of death and adulthood loom over their heads. </p>
<p>playlist: https://8tracks.com/efamk/i-cut-you-off-when-i-get-scared</p>
<p>(chapter warnings at notes in beginning of each chapter)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the secret place that no one dares to go

**Author's Note:**

> CW: drug usage, sexual themes and humor (no smut yet, y'all are gonna have to wait for that)

The hot midday summer sun beat down on Arin’s back as he leaned down pick up the hose that was wildly flailing around on the ground, spray water all over his front lawn. He wrangled it and spun around, eyes narrowing. 

“I’m gonna get you Avidan, you saucy bitch!” he yelled. He had no clue where the other boy had went. He was scrawny as hell but gangly, so even though he could fit himself under the front porch or behind curtains, his stupid big ass feet always stuck out. All of a sudden, with nothing more than a dart of flesh, Danny Avidan flew out of nowhere and tackled Arin around his waist, wrestling him to the ground. 

“GOTCHA!” he laughed, grabbing the hose from Arin’s grasp and cutting off the water. He straddled Arin, and looked down at him triumphantly, waiting to spray him in the face. Dan looked gorgeous in the golden Florida sun, his curly brown hair wet and frizzy, sticking out from all directions and dripping water onto Arin’s chest. His brown eyes sparkled with delight. 

Arin rolled his eyes, trying to not let Dan’s looks get the best of him. “Whatever asshole. I could use a hosing down, I’m dying of heat stroke.” That wasn’t a complete lie. More than anything, Arin wanted something to take away the heat of the boner now rising underneath Dan. 

The other boy shrugged and shoved the hose into Arin’s shorts, before running off and laughing hysterically. Arin rolled onto his side, silently cursing Dan. He was unsure if Danny knew that he had a boner or if he was just trying to piss him off. Ripping the hose out of his pants, he prayed for the latter, and then stood up and followed Dan into the house. 

In his usual cocky shamelessness, Dan was already naked in Arin’s room, back to the door, drying his ass off with a towel. When he heard the door close, he turned around and gasped, holding the towel to his junk and putting a hand lightly across his chest.

“Well I do say sir,” he said in a feigned Southern belle accent. “You should learn to knock!” 

“I’ve seen your dick before, dude,” Arin said flatly, pulling his own soaking wet shorts off. “D club forever.” 

Dan dried his balls. “That’s true.”

And thank _God_ he’s seen Dan’s penis many times before. Over time, it’s become easier to stop his own boner when he saw the other boy naked. Physical contact was another thing, but Dan never touched Arin when he was naked as a strict rule of “no homo.” 

After they were both dry, they put on different pairs of shorts, and Arin brought their wet clothes to the basement to be dried. This was fairly common practice in the Hanson household. Dan and Arin basically lived at each other’s houses; they were always together at one house or another. Each of their parents had gotten used to the weird joint custody they had of both boys. There was just no separating them. Dan kept clothes at Arin’s house, and Arin, at Dan’s. This had been going on since they were 8 or 9. It was normal back then, but now at 17, it was kind of gay. And they were both painfully aware. 

Arin didn’t care so much about being called gay. He might be, he might not be. He might not even be a boy. He didn’t much mind. Everything was fluid for him, and as long as he loved him, that’s all that mattered. His family accepted him, his close friends did, even someone as “no homo” as Danny did. And that especially meant a lot to him. He hated to doubt his best friend, but Arin did kind of expect Dan to kick him to the wayside as soon as he started getting popular. Some of the other popular kids called Dan gay and made fun of Arin, but that didn’t phase Dan at all. He stopped talking to them, and actually made them kind of _unpopular_ as a result. Arin never quite made it to the ranks of the popular kids — he didn’t want to anyway — but they all respected him. And he could thank Dan for that. 

But regardless of what rumors still might float, Danny and Arin remained best friends, rarely ever not in each other’s company. And regardless of how deeply in love with Dan he was, Arin didn’t want to ruin their friendship. So the status quo stood. 

After throwing the clothes in the dryer, Arin went back upstairs to find Dan sprawled across his bed and smoking a poorly rolled blunt. Arin stalled in his open doorway for a moment, taking in the sight of Dan’s hair falling off the side of the bed, frizzing and curling in tight ringlets as it dried. His eyes were closed and cheeks flushed with a new sunburn. The smoke floated around his head like a cloud. Breaking the silence, he lifted the blunt up. “Want some dude?” he asked. 

Surprised that he got caught staring, Arin walked into the room and took a spot next to Danny, taking the blunt from his hands. “Sure.” 

He took a hit and closed his eyes, motioning for Dan to take the blunt from him. He held the smoke in his lungs and mouth, and slowly exhaling. It was the middle of summer break and no one was home except them. The Wednesday afternoon felt like the lull of the air conditioning. They were both quiet, exhausted and high, enjoying each other’s skin against skin. 

After a while, the blunt went out, and Dan shifted to put his hands behind his head. “I can’t believe we’re gonna be seniors, dude.”

“Nooooo, don’t say that,” Arin groaned, covering his face. “Vacation _just_ started, like not even a week ago. I do not want to think about the next school year yet. I’m not ready.”

Dan chuckled. “It’ll be fine, it’ll go by quick.”

“That’s easy for you say, you never do any work. You just copy off people.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of a dick, aren’t I?”

“The biggest dick I know.”

“We’re not talking about what I’m packing, just my personality.” Danny started laughing and rolled to his side to nuzzle Arin’s shoulder. When he was high was the only time Leigh Daniel “No Homo” Avidan became a little bit homo. Arin enjoyed every minute he could get.

“Shut up, asshole,” Arin replied, grinning. He hesitated for a moment and then asked, “You aren’t even a little bit nervous about senior year? I mean, after that we’ll be out on our own. We’ll need to like, go to college. Shit, we don’t even have jobs.” 

“Speak for yourself!”

“Selling weed is not a profession.”   

Dan looked was quiet for a few minutes and then said, “I guess I am worried. I just try not to think about it, you know? I try to block it out with gossip and weed and hanging out with you. You know me. You know how I work. I don’t ‘work.’ I barely function. I just am.” He rubbed his face on Arin’s shoulder.

That was a lot of emotion for Dan to release so quick. Arin put his arm around the other boy. Dan was right, he _did_ know Dan. Just like Dan knew him. And that’s how it was. They were both nervous as hell and didn’t know how to handle it, and they went about their coping in different ways. 

Dan snuggled up to Arin more. “I’m not making you too warm, am I?” he murmured. 

“Nah, A/C’s strong, you’re good.” 

Dan sighed into Arin’s neck. The two laid there for about an hour. Dan fell asleep at some point, but the entire time Arin’s mind was racing. Everything was going to change. This summer would go by fast, just like senior year. And then…and then what? College? Would they get separated? Arin’s heart hurt thinking about being away from Danny for more than a day. It hurt even more when he thought of all the girls Danny would inevitably get with; hooking up, falling in love, maybe even getting married…

And where would that leave Arin? He couldn’t imagine a life without Danny. He couldn’t imagine a life not loving Danny. He didn’t want anyone else to have him. 

He cleared his throat. “Uh… Danny?”

“Mmm.”

“I can tell you anything right?”

“Mhmm.”

“Anything at all, and you won’t judge me?”

Dan moved and propped himself up to look Arin in the eye. “Where are you going with this? Is everything okay?” He looked concerned. 

“I guess I just…I don’t know. I…uh.” Arin had no idea how to phrase this, or even go about talking about it. How do you fall in love with your best friend correctly? Is it possible? Even when you’re supposedly straight dudes? 

Arin bit his lip. “I think I’m in love with you.”


	2. with limp arms i can feel most of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan, arin, and the rest of the grumps are high school students in their senior year of high school. dan and arin have been friends for most of their lives, and spend almost every waking moment together. rumors fly of their potential gay relationship, which become more of an issue when arin admits his feelings. things don't work out, but after dan gets sick, they are both forced to truly evaluate their feelings with the imminent threats of death and adulthood loom over their heads.
> 
> playlist: https://8tracks.com/efamk/i-cut-you-off-when-i-get-scared
> 
> (chapter warnings at notes in beginning of each chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: some sexual content, homophobic slurs, possible dysphoria: talking about not feeling right in a gender (just in case for all my trans people with dysphoria)

Arin let the words fall simply out of his mouth. He could almost taste them, bitter, but oh so sweet to get out. They hung in the air, drifting into the smoke and thrown around by the air conditioning. Danny didn’t move at all; he didn’t stiffen or change his breathing. This concerned Arin a little bit, but at least he didn’t throw Arin’s arm off, screaming about how much of a gay idiot Arin was, how he was straight, how he was pissed off that the rumors were true.

But he didn’t do anything. He just laid there on Arin’s bare chest, his head close to his heart. 

After a few minutes of silence he whispered, “Dude.”

“Y-you. Hate me now, right,” Arin said. He could barely hear himself over the blood pounding in his ears.

“No.”

“Really?”

“Wouldn’t I be gone if I did?”

Arin didn’t move at all. He didn’t even breathe. He wanted Dan to say more, to confess his own love. He needed Dan to do something. But he remained calm and silent in Arin’s arms. 

“I’m sorry that I’m actually a…fag,” Arin said, his voice cracking slightly. 

“I don’t think you’re a fag. Or even if you are, who cares?” Dan moved to prop himself up on his elbows. 

Arin wouldn’t meet his eyes, but looked at his forehead. “I don’t know if I’m like, full gay. Maybe a little. But I really don’t know if it matters because I don’t think gender matters, you know?” 

Danny nodded, no malevolence or anger in his eyes. He seemed intent on listening to what Arin had to say, so the other boy continued. 

“I’ve been confused for a while. Like I couldn’t understand why I thought boys were cute and stuff. I thought that about girls too. So I assumed _everyone_ felt this way. And I just went with it. Also I don’t even know if I’m comfortable with being a boy. I like pink and dresses and makeup and girly shit. And I act girly. And that’s like a ‘typical fag’ thing, I know, but I don’t know if it’s the same thing.” Arin paused. “Sometimes I wanna be a girl. But not all the time. Sometimes I wanna be a boy. Sometimes I wanna be nothing at all.” Arin could feel himself tearing up, and cursed himself for it. It’s not like Dan hadn’t seen Arin cry before, Arin just hated that it had to be _now_ , for Christ’s sake. He furiously wiped his eyes.

“I know it’s hard to understand,” Danny whispered, his eyes cast down. “But I understand. A little. About the sexuality thing. Not so much about the gender, but I’ve heard about it before. People call it ‘non-binary,’ where you don’t fall into the binary of girl or boy. There’s lots of people like that.”

Arin couldn’t breathe. Dan…straight as a line Dan Avidan had just admitted that he wasn’t completely straight. And he was even giving Arin more information about gender than Arin had. 

“There…There are more people like me?” Arin choked out, the tears flowing freely now. “I’m not a freak?” His voice jumped a few octaves. 

Dan looked Arin dead in the eyes. “You’re not a freak, and you never were.” 

Arin maintained some eye contact as he let out a loud sob, and curled up on his side, cuddling under the warmth of Dan. Dan wrapped his arms around Arin’s shoulders and rested his chin on the other boy’s head. They laid there for a while, Arin getting out his sobs which rang out through the empty house. After his crying stopped, Arin untangled himself from the other boy and laid next to him, facing him and staring into his eyes. 

“I’m scared,” Danny whispered. His glimmering brown eyes were wide and red-rimmed. 

“Me too,” Arin replied quietly, taking his hand. 

Dan bit his lip, and Arin watched the small battle taking place within him. He didn’t want to force anything on Danny, not when he was like this. He still wasn’t sure how Danny felt about him; all he knew was he was struggling with his sexuality, which may or may not involve Arin. 

“Dude, I didn’t want to be a homo,” Dan said, and chuckled, although his eyes remained frightened. “Not because I think it’s gross or anything, not like that. I’m just scared of…”

“People,” Arin finished for him.

“Yeah. And my dad you know…old dude from Israel. How would he react?” 

“If anything happened to you, we’d take you in. My parents know about me and they don’t care.” 

“Whoa, really?”

“Yeah. Came out a year ago.” 

Dan furrowed his brow, looking insulted. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Because I love you like that, too.” 

Dan closed his eyes tight, a tear squeezing out. “But…I love you. I’m in love with you. I…” He trailed off, opening his eyes to look into Arin’s. Before Arin even knew what was happening, Dan’s hand was on one side of his face, and Dan was leaning into him to press a hard, warm kiss against his lips. 

At first, Arin had no idea how to react. It all happened so quick, he couldn’t breathe, it was overwhelming. But he wanted it, oh he wanted it so fucking bad. He tangled his hands in Dan’s hair, something he had wanted to do for years now. Opening his lips, and took Dan’s bottom lip between his teeth and then gently licked behind the other boy’s teeth, testing what he did and didn’t like. 

Danny responded positively to everything. He ran his hand down Arin’s cheek, before cupping the back of his neck and twisting a finger around some of his hair there. Arin moaned a little at the new sensation, his stubble rubbing onto Dan’s. Dan became more enthusiastic, nipping and sucking at Arin’s lips and tongue before moving away from his mouth to kiss his cheeks and nose, moving down to his jaw, behind his ear, and to his neck, biting and sucking. 

“No hickies, I don’t want to explain that,” Arin laughed, being tickled by Dan’s nuzzling. Dan replied by giggling onto Arin’s skin and kissing down his shoulders.

Arin couldn’t help but moan. Finally feeling Dan’s lips kiss along his collarbone and down his chest was…almost magical. It was heavenly. It was better than he could’ve ever imagined. He ran his hand through Dan’s big hair as he kissed and nipped along Arin’s chest, biting and sucking at his nipple as he went. Arin arched his back a little, releasing a low groan. Dan giggled again, a low wind chime. 

“You like that Hanson?” 

“I like whenever you’re touching me.”

Arin felt good when Danny’s eyes widened again, his face flushing. The other boy reached back up to Arin’s face to kiss him deeply, running his hands along Arin’s sides. They kissed deeply and passionately, running their hands all over the other’s body, taking in as much as they could as quickly as they could. Arin grabbed Dan’s waist, pulling him up to straddle him. Dan moaned into his mouth, and they could each feel each other’s growing erections. They rubbed against each other, igniting each other’s senses, and groaning into each other’s mouths. 

Just as Arin was about to reach into Dan’s pants when he heard someone clear their throat at the open door. 

“Fuck!” Danny yelled, jumping off of Arin and covering his crotch with a pillow. Arin still hadn’t moved, and heard a light snicker from the mystery person in the doorway. 

“Goddammit Holly, why the hell are you here?!” Dan exclaimed. 

Arin sighed in relieve. “Better Holly than my parents,” he said, sitting up. 

Holly continued to laugh, red in the face. Her dorky Australian immigrant boyfriend, Ross, came up behind her, a smug look on his face. 

Dan looked really upset. “You could knock!”

“The door was open, dude,” Ross said. 

“Y’all know we don’t _care_ ,” Holly groaned, exasperated. “We’ve been having bets about when you’d get together for months now.” 

Crossing his arms, Dan pouted. 

Arin raised an eyebrow and looked at Holly and Ross. “Why are you guys here?” 

“Wanted to ask if you two wanted to go see a movie,” Ross said, entering the room and leaning against a wall. His flat dirty-blonde hair was half-plastered to his face with sweat, his bright blue eyes glowing in his sunburned face. His Irishness made him prone to frying. 

“Maybe, what’s playing?” Danny said, finally loosening up and pulling on a shirt. 

“There’s an Exorcist showing tonight I think,” Holly said, twisting some of her lavender hair around a finger. “Unless you’re chicken.” 

Dan was notorious for his extreme fear of any form of horror media. He narrowed his eyes. “I can handle it. I got this big strong man to protect me,” he said, that fake Southern accent coming out again. He threw himself across Arin’s lap, giggling. Arin turned deep red, but couldn’t help himself from grinning. 

“Alright cool, mate!” Ross exclaimed. “Let’s gooooo, it starts in like half an hour.” The couple trotted out of the room to give Arin and Dan time to get ready. Arin looked down at the boy in his lap, and Dan smiled up at him. 

“You’ll protect me, right?” Dan reach up to stroke Arin’s cheek.

“You know it.” 

Arin left a quick note to his parents explaining where he was, and then the group went off. 

~

The movie went well, for Arin at least. Danny was horrified the whole time, screaming and hiding his face in Arin’s shoulder. Which, of course, Arin didn’t mind. They snuck in a few kisses here and there. For Arin, the movie was a time to think about everything that happened in the short day. He had seen the Exorcist at least 15 different times, so he knew everything that happened. While the movie wasn’t exactly relaxing, he didn’t feel the need to focus. Holly and Ross didn’t feel the need either, because they were making out for most of the film. 

Honestly, the whole situation was incredibly surreal for Arin. Dan had feelings for him. Straight as hell Dan Avidan is actually really gay. Feeling Danny’s warmth pressed against in the lukewarm Floridian cinema was the most beautiful thing in the world to him right now. It was like seeing everything in a different light now. He planted a few kisses on the top of Danny’s head. 

~ 

After the movie, Danny and Arin went to a diner with Ross and Holly to grab some breakfast dinner. The whole time Holly was cracking jokes about how it was a “double date.” Danny and Arin groaned and shrugged her off, but held hands the entire time. 

When they finally got home, it was already 8pm. Mr. and Mrs. Hanson were sitting at the kitchen table, laughing and joking, finishing dinner. They loudly greet the two boys, ask them about the movie, and offer dinner. 

Arin kissed his mom on the cheek. “Thanks for offering, but we ate with Ross and Holly.” 

Mr. Hanson laughed. “Good! More chicken for me.” 

Everyone laughed with him, but Arin felt strangely different. Holly was right, that was basically a double date, and he felt like he should be more formal bringing Danny back to his house, but he knew there was no need for it. His parents loved Dan like he was their own child.

So things stayed casual. Arin wasn’t quite ready to tell his parents, and Danny could sense that. They played some video games on the couch, and Danny called his dad to let him know he was spending the night at Arin’s. 

They had always slept in the same bed when they stayed at each other’s houses. They’ve been doing it for years. But tonight, they cuddled up closer to one another, noses touching. 

“I love you, Arin,” Danny murmured into the darkness.

“I love you too, Danny.” 

He leaned in for a small kiss before they both fell asleep.


	3. afraid of the word "boy"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan, arin, and the rest of the grumps are high school students in their senior year of high school. dan and arin have been friends for most of their lives, and spend almost every waking moment together. rumors fly of their potential gay relationship, which become more of an issue when arin admits his feelings. things don't work out, but after dan gets sick, they are both forced to truly evaluate their feelings with the imminent threats of death and adulthood loom over their heads.
> 
> playlist: https://8tracks.com/efamk/i-cut-you-off-when-i-get-scared
> 
> (chapter warnings at notes in beginning of each chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: drug mentions, slight sexual content, homophobia, transphobia/transmisogyny, violence

The summer passed by in a blur and a flurry of kisses. Arin and Danny never left each other’s sides. 

About a week before school was supposed to start, the two went shopping for some new clothes. Standing in the department store, harsh air conditioning blowing his hair around, Arin asked Dan if he would mind going to the women’s section with him.

“I dunno, I kinda wanna try on a dress or something? Maybe? If you don’t wanna come that’s okay.” 

In response, Dan kissed Arin’s cheek and grabbed his hand, pulling him over to the other side of the store. They two of them stayed close together, going through racks of dresses, skirts, and blouses. Arin stayed bright red the entire time, his eyes cast down, praying that no one from school would show up and humiliate him. After some searching and sizing, he settled on three different dresses: pink floral sundress, blue and lace formal dress, and a plain white floor-length dress. 

He felt strange going into the women’s dressing room, even though all the attendant did was smile at him and let him into the room, saying gently that if he needed any help to ask her. Her name was Marsha and she was middle aged, and her kindness made tears well up in Arin’s eyes. The dresses fit him snugly, except around the chest. Despite his chubbiness, he didn’t quite fill it out. He was okay with that though. 

Hesitantly, he quietly came out of the dressing room in the first dress — pink and flowing, brushing against his knees. He greeted Dan with his eyes cast down. 

The other boy put his hand underneath Arin’s chin and tilted his head upwards. “You are the most beautiful creature I have _ever_ seen,” Danny whispered, smiling. 

Arin felt tears biting at the corners of his eyes as he hugged Danny as tight as he could manage. “I feel really pretty,” he murmured into Dan’s neck. 

“I’m glad.” Dan kissed Arin’s head. 

Pulling away, Arin gave Dan a quick peck on the lips and grinned. “I’m gonna try on the blue one now.”

“I’ll be waiting with bells on.”

Arin skipped back to the dressing room, quickly changing and opening the door of his fitting room to lean against the doorframe and gaze over at Dan. He winked. 

Dan ran a hand through his hair and smiled, eyes wide. “You look great!” 

“Thanks big boy,” Arin said with a silly 1920’s doll accent. He put the back of his hand against his forehead, pretending to faint.

Dan giggled and walked over to kiss Arin on the forehead, hands around his waist. 

Arin wiggled away from his grasp. “One more dress, and then you can kiss me more,” he said teasingly and poked Dan on the nose. 

“Oooookaaaaaay,” Danny groaned playfully. 

The white dress probably should’ve reached his feet, but standing at a little over six feet, the dress only went down to above his ankles. As he opened the fitting room door, he heard some girls laughing and talking. Arin froze at the door, half of his body behind it. 

Suzy.

Now nothing was wrong with Suzy. She was a great kid. Arin and his friends met her a few year back at a local con, and were surprised to find that she was going to be going to their high school in the next year. They all hung out a lot, playing video games and busting each other up. Unfortunately, Suzy’s other group of friends were a bunch of very gossipy sophomores who loved to spread as much shit as they could. 

Before he could retreat into his dressing room, he heard Suzy call his name. 

“Arin! Hey! What’s up!” She smiled brightly, obviously oblivious to the situation. 

Dan peeked out from behind Suzy and her friend Monica, giving Arin a concerned look as he inched his way out from behind the door.

Monica stifled a giggle as Arin stood next to his dressing room, hands clasped in front of him and looking at the floor. 

“Shut up Monica, would you?” Suzy said sharply. 

Monica replied by putting her hands up and turning to walk away. “Whatever!” she said, flipping her hair like an agitated horse. 

Dan was sitting on one of the benches in the fitting room, hunched over with his hands deep in the pockets of his rage jeans. “Don’t know why you still hang out with that group, Scuze.”

She sighed, putting the clothes she wanted to try on down next to Danny. “Yeah, I know they’re all bitches, but what else am I supposed to do? Everyone in my grade kind of sucks, and you guys are all graduating next year.” She crossed her arms. 

Arin hadn’t moved from the spot next to his dressing room. Dan rolled his eyes and shook his head, before returning his gaze back to Arin. 

“You look beautiful.” 

“T-t-thank you,” Arin sputtered. 

Suzy also turned to Arin, smiling. “I like your fashion choices! You should buy that.” 

Arin looked down at his clothing, pinching at the fabric. “You really think so?”

“Well, it’s up to you. What else did you try?” 

Arin showed Suzy the three dresses he had picked out; the two of them thumbed fabric and compared the colors, trying to see what would best suit him. Danny sat back on the bench, watching them with a small smile. Arin kept throwing him small glances, giggling and flushed. 

Suzy turned around, holding the floral sundress. “Arin says he didn’t look good in this. What did you think?” 

Dan chuckled. “You looked great, honey, really!” 

Arin’s heart sped up when Danny used the endearing term. He grabbed the sundress and the white dress and said: “Well…I guess it’s decided.” 

Suzy waved goodbye to the both of them as they walked out of the dressing room to the checkout. Arin was nervous about purchasing the dresses — why the hell would he, this big manly looking person, be buying dresses? — but Dan held his hand the entire time, and he felt a little bit stronger. 

~ 

“So, do you want different pronouns? Or are you okay with he and stuff?” Dan and Arin were curled up on Dan’s couch, watching cartoons. 

Arin made an exaggerated thoughtful face. “That is a great question. I never thought too much about it.” 

Dan nodded, his head on Arin’s chest, gazing up at him. 

“I’m okay with he, I think. They would be okay too. So would she. I don’t know. I really don’t mind, you know? Words like… ‘boy’ and ‘man’ kind of bother me. I don’t want to be that. I’m scared of that. I think I’m more girl than boy, but I’m still boy, too.” 

Dan nodded again. He lifted himself to kiss Arin on the cheek. “I’m fine with that, I can change it up and make sure not to call you ‘boy’ or ‘man.’” 

“You can still say dude,” Arin said, stroking Dan’s hair. 

Dan smiled slightly. “Okay, just tell me whatever makes you comfortable.” He kissed Arin again, before snuggling down into the crook of their neck. 

Arin felt so safe and content in that moment. They loved Danny more than they could imagine, and the feeling grew stronger with each day. The summer had been beautiful, beautiful beyond belief. They were intoxicated with Dan’s kiss, Dan’s touch, the smell of his skin and hair when it brushed by Arin’s fingers. They hadn’t had sex, and they never came much closer to it than that very first time they kissed. Arin could always sense when Dan was feeling uncomfortable, so they would stop before it went too far. The seemingly slutty and hypersexual Dan Avidan was actually fairly timid when it came to matters of the bedroom. Arin assumed it was because of the strength of his feelings. It is really intimidating to have sex with someone you really love, and Arin, too, was made anxious by the idea of fucking Danny. 

A light snore rose from the boy. Arin chuckled. Dan had seemed increasingly tired, and tended to pass out whenever and wherever. They assumed it was because of the lack of caffeine intake. Danny was cutting back on the coffee and smoking copious amounts of weed. “Before school starts I’m gonna have fun, before I have to get my shit together,” he had previously explained. 

Arin lightly scratched behind his ear. “You wanna go to bed?” they asked. 

“Mmmgg.” 

“I’ll carry you.”

Danny moved to wrap his arms around Arin’s neck, latching on as they carried him bridal-style to bed. After placing him down on his bed, Arin caught a glimpse of his calendar with a start.

“Oh, fuuuuuuck,” they said slowly. 

“What,” Danny grumbled from his sheet cocoon. 

“I think we fucked up, dude.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“School starts tomorrow, not Thursday. We’re seniors. I totally forgot we go back earlier.” 

Dan shot straight up in bed. “Oh shit man, what time is it now?”

“2am.”

“Oh Goddammit.”

They looked at each other, locking eyes for a few seconds before bursting into laughter.

“We are morons,” Arin said between laughs.

“We really are! How did we forget?”

“I’m gonna venture that it was _probably_ all the weed.” 

Dan sputtered into high pitched giggles, face red. “Yeah that might be it.” 

Arin plopped down on the bed next to him and planted kisses all over his face and neck. They fell back down and giggled and kissed. By the time they fell asleep, the morning light was already filtering through the Venetian blinds in Danny’s room. 

~ 

“GET UP YOU IDIOTS, IT IS TIME FOR THE SCHOOL. IT IS SENIOR YEAR. GET UP!” was how Danny’s Israeli father, Avi, greeted them in the morning. He threw the door open, opened all the blinds, and tore the sheets off the bed. 

Dan snorted in surprised, almost falling off his bed. Arin ran their hands through their bedhead and threw an arm over their eyes to block the light. 

“NO STALLING,” Avi yelled in his thick Hebrew accent. 

“Ooookay Avi, fine, okay!” Dan exclaimed, moving to try to stand. 

“Not Avi, I am dad,” Avi said, puffing his chest before promptly leaving the room. 

Dan rolled his eyes and started scrounging for clothes. Arin got dressed as quickly as they could, wearing a nondescript T-shirt and jeans, not   
wanting to stand out after the confrontation with Monica the previous day.

“I hope we can make it through the day,” Arin said as they tugged on their shirt. “I’m like, dead exhausted. I’m gonna need some fucking coffee.” 

Dan didn’t answer. Confused, Arin turned around and looked to find him passed out on the floor. Their heart almost stopped.

“Dan!” they nearly screamed.

“Fuck! What! What!”

“Dude, you were passed out on the floor, are you okay?” Arin went to sit on the floor next to him, curling their arm around his. 

“Yeah, I’m totally fine, just super tired,” Dan said as he grabbed an old band T and rummaging for jeans. He saw the concerned look on Arin’s face, plastered there, so he leaned in for a quick kiss on the lips. He took Arin’s bottom lip between his, and Arin gasped ever so slightly. “I’m okay.”

Arin still wasn’t convinced, but nodded anyway. They both had to get to school on time, so there was no use worrying too much now. 

Both of Dan’s parents had already left for work as the two made coffee and prepared gourmet bowls of Coco Puffs. Dan drove them to school, as he had for the past 2 years that he’s had his license. 

When they got their schedules and separated for class, Arin felt less secure. They thought they could hear snickers, and could’ve swore they saw people pointing at them. They brushed it off. They had dealt with this bullshit for years, and even when Dan destroyed some people for bullying them, Arin knew that people would still continue, and new bullies would pop up. They ignored it. 

Still, they kind of wished that Dan would text them so they could meet in the hallway between classes like they used to. Arin wasn’t sure why this was different. 

Luckily, they still had lunch and one class together. On their way to the cafeteria, someone barked, “HANSON,” and they froze. 

A group of boys dressed in khakis and brightly colored polos were walking towards them, boisterous and whistling. 

“Hey fag!” the leader of the pack said. His name was Brandon Platts, and with a name like that, you’re just destined to be an asshole. 

Arin crossed their arms and tried to look bigger, like a bear. “What the fuck do you want?”

Brandon punched him in the shoulder, laughing, but it wasn’t a playful gesture. “A little birdie told me you were trying on dresses in the women’s section.” He smiled evilly at Arin, malice in his eyes.

_Fuck._ Arin’s stomach dropped through the floor. Fucking Monica. Of course. Brandon whipped out his white and gold (fucking pretentious) iPhone and showed Arin the picture that Monica had apparently snapped of them in the white dress. 

“It’s all over the school gossip Twitter,” Brandon said smugly. The boys around him hooted while Arin felt tears stinging their eyes. 

“I can do what I want, why does it matter to you?” they choked out.

“Because we don’t need fags at this school. I’m guessing you’re fucking that little bitch Danny, huh?” Brandon pushed Arin against a locker, and their head it with a clang. They slid to the floor, gripping their scalp. They curled up on the floor, remembering the stupid self-defense tips their dad had given them one night long ago when he caught on to the bullying his child was facing. 

A crowd was gathering, watching. Some were cheering the boys on, and some were too afraid to stop what was happening. Arin tried to zone out as they felt kicks and punches against their legs, thighs, and the back of their head, along with an onslaught of vicious slurs and insults. The beating went on for what seemed like an eternity and just half a second.

Then, like a call from an angel, they heard Dan’s voice. 

“WHAT THE _FUCK_ DO YOU FUCKING DICKS THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” he screamed, tackling Brandon around the waist and throwing them both against the locker. He had the other boy on the floor, and was punching him in the face. Even though he was as scrawny as they come, Dan was 6’3” and wiry as hell. 

The other boys circled Dan, ready to pounce, but he roared and hauled off, standing and pushing them all away. Arin looked up at him. He was standing next to Arin, hovering protectively, his face beet red and his nose bleeding. Blood vessels in his face had burst. Never in their decade of friendship had Arin ever seen Dan get like this. It was terrifying. The group of jocks backed away, frightened of the strange, aggressive monster that Dan had become. He was acting so strange lately. The crowd started to dissolve, intimidated by Danny. When the hallway was clear, Dan crouched down next to Arin and wiped some hair away from their face. They cringed at the touch.

“Your nose is bleeding,” Arin whispered. 

Dan looked puzzled and put a hand to his face. “I…didn’t realize.” 

“Let’s go to the nurse.” 

The two stood up and headed that way. Dan tried to grab Arin’s hand, but they brushed it off, pretending they didn’t notice. 

~

They ate lunch with the nurse. She was too concerned about how wrecked they both looked. Her name was Susan and she was really old. 

“You boys need to tell the principle and the dean about this! This is an outrage!” she said loudly.

Arin visibly cringed at “boy,” and Dan stroked their back. They laid back on the nurse’s bench. 

“Maybe we will,” Dan said. “Sometimes it’s best to leave it alone. This isn’t the first time we’ve had issues with these people.” 

Susan tutted quietly and checked Dan’s nose. “Strange it doesn’t seem to be broken,” she said as she poked at it. “How hard did you get hit?”

“I didn’t get hit.”

“So your nose just started bleeding?”

“Yeah.” 

Something dark crossed Susan’s face, and she scribbled something on a piece of paper. “I need to go look some stuff up, and maybe call your parents.”

“It’s fine, it’s just from exertion! I swear.” 

She nodded, but didn’t look convinced, and walked out to the main room leaving the two alone.

Dan curled up next to Arin, his head against their side. 

“You scared me really bad back there, Danny,” Arin whispered. 

“I wanted to protect you.”

“You’ve done that before without…”

“Without what?

“Acting like a monster.” 

Danny was silent for a few seconds, and inched his head away from Arin. “Well, I’m fucking sorry.” He stood up and started walking to the other bed.

“No, Danny, I’m —”

“Please, spare me.” Dan cut them off. “I kept those boys from beating you to a pulp, and this is the thanks I get?”

“I might not be a boy but I’m still strong.”

“I never brought that up Arin, you know that’s not what I think of you.” 

Arin could feel tears welling up in their eyes. “I’m sorry, really I’m sorry, I’m just scared. I’m sorry.” The tears starting flowing as he sat up to look at Dan who was frozen in the doorway. Dan’s back was to them, his head to the side. 

“…Yeah. Me too.” 

And with that, he left the room.


	4. we're fighting again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan, arin, and the rest of the grumps are high school students in their senior year of high school. dan and arin have been friends for most of their lives, and spend almost every waking moment together. rumors fly of their potential gay relationship, which become more of an issue when arin admits his feelings. things don't work out, but after dan gets sick, they are both forced to truly evaluate their feelings with the imminent threats of death and adulthood loom over their heads.
> 
> playlist: https://8tracks.com/efamk/i-cut-you-off-when-i-get-scared
> 
> (chapter warnings at notes in beginning of each chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: homophobic slurs

Over the years they’ve known each other, Dan and Arin had fights. You can’t be as close as they were and _not_ fight; that would be really weird. But it wasn’t quite like this. Usually after a few days, one would should up at the other’s door and they would sit and play video games in silence for a while, before finally talking shit out, hugging, and returning to their normal ways.

 

But this time was different. 

It had been a week since Dan had walked out of the nurse’s office, and Arin hadn’t heard a peep from him since. They saw each other in the halls, sixth period science, and lunch, but never spoke or sat next to each other. A few times Arin had tried to pair up with him, but he always grabbed Ross or Barry before Arin could talk to him. All Ross or Barry could do was give them a sad look. 

They were lucky that their friends hadn’t stopped talking to them. Danny had his popular group of friends that he sat with at lunch sometimes, and so Ross, Barry, Suzy, and Holly would usually sit with Arin. Occasionally Dan would come around, but he never made eye contact with Arin, ever. 

Going home felt empty. Arin’s parents questioned a little, but they brushed them off. 

“He’s just busy with school and work and stuff,” Arin said, keeping their head down. They hated lying, especially to their parents, and they knew that neither of them believed it, but it was easier than admitting the truth at this point. 

On Friday night, more than two weeks after the fight, Arin’s mom knocked loudly on their door. 

They had been drawing a lot more lately, creating characters and worlds as a means to escape the sadness they felt entangled in. “What?” they groaned.

The door flew open, and Ross, Holly, and Suzy were there, smiling and cheery.

“C’mon now, mate, you haven’t left the house in ages,” Ross said, sitting down on their desk. “It’s time to go out. There’s a party at Jackie’s house tonight and it’s not gonna be wild.” 

Suzy and Holly surrounded them, and Holly put her hands on Arin’s shoulders. “You really need to do something, dude,” Holly said, concerned. 

Arin put their head down on their desk. “I really don’t know if I’m up for going out. I don’t even like Jackie that much.” 

Ross crossed his arms. “Fine, we won’t go out, but we aren’t letting you spend Friday night alone.” 

Arin groaned again, and the three pulled them to their feet and dragged them downstairs to play video games. 

“We were gonna bring this stuff to the party,” Suzy said, unloading some grocery bags full of junk food. “But let’s just eat it all ourselves.” She ripped open some bags of chips and cookies, as Ross and Holly went upstairs to get cups and soda. 

Suzy rubbed Arin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about Danny,” she whispered. “I didn’t think he’d start dating Sasha and — ”

“What do you mean?” Arin cut her off loudly. “He’s…he’s dating Sasha?”

Suzy’s face dropped and she turned red. “Oh shit…I thought you knew.” 

“We didn’t even break up.” Arin voice jumped an octave. “We were just having a rough spot. We didn’t break up.” 

Ross and Holly had returned. “Arin didn’t know, we weren’t going to tell them tonight,” Ross said slowly. 

“Was anyone going to fucking tell me?!” Arin was nearly screaming now; the whole room was spinning. It was almost as though they were going to fall into a sinkhole. Nothing was stable.

“We…didn’t want to…right now. Because you were still upset and…I don’t know,” Suzy said softly. She looked like she was about to cry, but Arin was already bent over, sobbing. 

“Fuck him! Fuck him!” Arin repeating, screaming and pacing. They stopped in the middle of the room, gripping at their hair. “I need to go see him,” they said softly, tears still streaming down their face.

Ross put a hand on their shoulder. “Are you…sure about that?” 

The room rang with silence and the soft fizzing of the open sodas. Arin continued tugging at their hair. “I’m sure. But I don’t want anyone going with me.”

“At least let me drive you,” Ross said.

Arin shrugged the boy’s hand off but followed him to his car. The ride was mostly silent. It was short, less than five minutes, and Arin would have walked it if it wasn’t 90 degrees. When they pulled up to Danny’s house, Ross gave Arin a few words of good luck but they mostly ignored him. 

“I’m gonna stay here, okay?” Ross said, grabbing Arin’s forearm to keep them in the car longer. “You can just come back out here and I’ll drive you home, no questions asked or anything.” 

Arin nodded, and could feel tears welling in their eyes again. They forced a smile and climbed out of the sedan. 

Avi answered the door for Arin, as loud and oblivious as usual.

“Oh Areeen! It is so nice to see you after so long! It feels like forever! How are you? Come in, sit down! Dan is in heeeees room hold on. DANIEL! COME HERE!” 

Arin chewed on their lower lip, nervous to see Danny’s reaction. They felt like they were going to pass out or throw up, or worse, both. 

Down the hall, they heard a door open and slam, and then Dan’s normal heavy-footed strides to the living room. He stopped in the doorway when he saw Arin. 

“Why are you here?” he grumbled.

“We need to talk.” 

“OKAY I WILL BE GOING,” Avi said loudly, sensing something was wrong. He scurried up the stairs.

Dan glared at his father and then turned to walk back to his room. Arin followed. He sat down on his bed and crossed his arms. 

“What do you need to talk about?” he said, eyebrows raised, but face unamused. 

Arin leaned back against his door. “Us.”

“There is no ‘us.’” 

Arin’s heart dropped, but they maintained stoic as best they could. “You’re lying.”

They watched with satisfaction as Dan’s eyes widened. “I’m not fucking lying.” He couldn’t continue meeting their eyes. “I like Sasha. We’re dating, you know.” 

“Yeah I know. Suzy told me.” Arin couldn’t help but notice how tired and drained Danny looked. Maybe the extra weed and lack of coffee was taking its toll, but he looked sick, almost. They were definitely concerned about him but they needed answers. 

“We’re so good together,” Danny continued. “Like, we just click.”

“You’re so full of shit,” Arin laughed. “You are full of absolute shit.” 

Dan tried to glare at Arin, but couldn’t manage to make it strong. Arin laughed again. It wasn’t a happy laugh, nothing like the thousands of laughs the two had shared in this very room in the previous years. The atmosphere was tense and unhappy. 

“I know you, Leigh Daniel Avidan.” 

“You don’t know shit.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

Dan stood up suddenly and walked over to his table, putting his hands down and leaning over. “Nothing is fucking wrong, I’m just tired and   
annoyed.” 

“Then why are you cheating on me?”

“We were never together!” Danny yelled, knocking his lamp over. It clattered to the floor, the bulb going out. 

Arin recoiled slightly but stayed strong. “Why are you lying to yourself?” 

Dan stood up at his full height, fists clenched at his sides and face red. He was huffing and glaring at Arin. The two remained in the stand off for a while, Danny in offense and Arin leaning against the wall. 

After a few minutes, Dan’s fists unclenched and he ran his hands through his hair. His chest heaved with sobs and he sunk into his chair. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.” 

Arin went to him and hugged his shoulders, pulling the boy in as close as he could. Dan hugged back, his long arms wrapped all the way around Arin’s waist. 

“Stay with me tonight,” Danny whispered into Arin’s chest. 

Arin nodded, and texted Ross that they wouldn’t need a ride home. 

~

He didn’t break up with Sasha. 

The night that they spent together was nothing more than company. They held each other in bed, crying, but they didn’t kiss. At least they were friends again. That was all Arin could hope to ask for.

“Why the hell is he still dating her?” Barry groaned one day at lunch. Dan and Sasha were in the hallway, virtually screaming at each other. “They never talk except for when they’re fighting. Like, that’s _it_.” 

Holly yawned and said, “It’s because he doesn’t wanna admit he’s gay.” 

Arin stared into their food. _Was that really it?_ “You think so?” Arin whispered. 

Holly snorted. “Are you fucking kidding? All he does is whine about you.” 

“Why the hell do you people keep this shit from me?” 

“We didn’t know if you wanted to hear! You guys haven’t hung out since that night you stayed at his place like three weeks ago.”

Ross scratched his head. “I’m sorry, I really am. I should’ve told you.”

Barry nodded in agreement, his mouth full of sandwich. 

Holly put her elbows on the table and leaned forward, her face close to Arin’s. “Just seduce him,” she whispered, and then giggled as Dan returned to the table, dragging his feet. 

“You okay?” Arin asked softly when Dan sat down. 

“I’m fine,” he replied gruffly. 

“Do you need to talk?”

“Shut up.”

Their friends looked at Arin sadly, and they hated the pity in their eyes. 

~

Dan drove Arin home after school, something that hadn’t happened in a while. They sat on the couch in their living room and silently watched cartoons. 

After a bit, Danny cleared his throat. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. 

Arin tried to remain unaffected. “What for?”

“Lashing out, being pissy all the time, blowing you and all our friends off.”

Arin nodded, their eyes still plastered to the TV screen. 

Danny shifted uncomfortably. “I broke up with Sasha…for you.”

Arin finally turned to look at him. “That was stupid.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Thought you didn’t want to be a _fag_.”

The boy cringed at the words. Arin felt bad for doing this, but what the hell did Dan expect? Everything to be fucking peachy when he apologized? He went and dated some random girl just to piss Arin off. 

“You weren’t exactly fucking nice to me, Arin, you know. I tried to help you and protect you from those assholes and the only thing you had to say in response was that I think less of you because you’re not a boy! I don’t think you’re weak Arin! At all! You’re the strongest person I know!” 

They weren’t gonna cry now. The words hit so hard, and Arin still loved Dan. They loved him so much. They loved him now, sitting on the couch in the harsh afternoon light, his face lit blue by the television. His hair was still as messy and frizzy as ever, sticking out from his head at all angles. Deep-set brown eyes surrounded by bags. Even though he looked exhausted and ill, he was beautiful.

But Arin wasn’t going to let that get to them now. 

“Why do you have so much fucking internalized homophobia?” Arin asked harshly, crossing their arms. 

“I’m working on it, Arin, fuck! I don’t feel good, I don’t feel like myself.”

“Because you’re gay?”

“No! Yes! Maybe! I don’t fucking know! Why are you making this so hard?” 

Arin sighed, a couple of tears escaping from their eyes. “I don’t know. I can’t even handle anything myself.”

Dan didn’t say anything; he just stared at Arin, empathy on his face. 

“I’m sorry,” they whispered, ashamed.

Again, there was no verbal response from Dan. Instead, he grabbed their face, a hand on either side of their head, and pulled them in for a kiss. It had been almost two months since Arin had tasted him, and they savored it. Danny ran his hands through Arin’s hair, rubbing their neck and back, biting their lips. 

When they finally pulled away, Arin said, “I think we need to take a break from each other.”

“I think so too.”


	5. i hope i never get sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan, arin, and the rest of the grumps are high school students in their senior year of high school. dan and arin have been friends for most of their lives, and spend almost every waking moment together. rumors fly of their potential gay relationship, which become more of an issue when arin admits his feelings. things don't work out, but after dan gets sick, they are both forced to truly evaluate their feelings with the imminent threats of death and adulthood loom over their heads.
> 
> playlist: https://8tracks.com/efamk/i-cut-you-off-when-i-get-scared
> 
> (chapter warnings at notes in beginning of each chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of sex, drug use, slight homophobia/transphobia, major illness

Arin didn’t know how to cope without Danny by their side. Every night was empty, their bed was strangely cold each night. Deep in their heart they knew this was the right thing to do. The both of them needed time to cope and reconcile their newfound identities. Not being straight or cis was harder than either of them could have imagined. In the summer, without the normal crowds from school around, everything was simple. They could be who they truly were without worrying about judgement. But back in the halls, things were strange. And with senior year flying by, they both knew their lives were going to change forever. Neither knew how to deal with it. And that’s where the problems in their relationship and friendship bloomed from. 

They still saw each other in the halls, at lunch, and in science, but they never said anything except a fleeting hello or a discussion of last night’s homework. They never hung out, because doing so risked them both being influenced by desire. 

Holly and Suzy did their best to take Arin’s mind off everything by taking them shopping and to get their nails done. This become an almost-regular thing for them. Arin loved every second of it. They loved being pampered and buying makeup. Suzy taught them how to put it on and Holly helped them bleach a blonde streak into their messy brown hair. As time went on, Arin felt more and more comfortable in their skin. They had still never worn a dress or too much makeup out of the house, but they kept their nails painted and would sometimes put on a little bit of eyeliner.

After Danny’s terrifying outburst in the hall, bullies left Arin alone. They silently thanked Dan for that, but refused to tell him they were grateful. Even thought their existence was infinitely easier, they were still petrified of the monster that raged inside Dan that day. They never wanted to see it again. More than anything, they wanted summer Dan back, the Dan that stroked their hair as they fell asleep, the Dan that played Mario Kart while high on their basement floor, the Dan that kissed them and showered with them and swam with them under the moon in the humid Florida night. Where did that Dan go?

It was scary that he somehow disappeared because he was so ashamed of being gay. There wasn’t much of a backlash at Dan because of his sexuality. Most of it was directed at Arin, and that’s what made them mad. They dealt with it and fucked lived, while Dan was just a bystander in the whole thing. What gave him the fucking right?

Despite the depression Arin felt sinking into their pores every night and the anxiety that bit at their ankles when they walked to school, life went on. The world still turned, and they still had shit to do.

Midterms were fast approaching, along with college application and financial aid deadlines, and Arin wanted to leave Florida as fast as they could. They didn’t want to leave Danny behind, but at this point it seemed like the best thing they could do. 

“You and Dan ever gonna talk again?” Ross questioned between coughs. He passed the bong to Barry. 

Arin was laying on the floor, hands behind their head, staring at the ceiling. “Hell if I know.” 

“Who dumped who?” Barry asked.

“Nobody dumped anyone. We just decided we needed a break.” Arin sat up. “It was a mutual thing. Nobody was hurt. It just…needed to happen.” Even Arin wasn’t convincing themselves with these words.

Barry looked at them, concerned, elbows on his knees. “Did you know that Dan’s been sick?”

“What?”

Ross and Barry looked at each other; some communication traveled between their eyes. “Uhhh…yeah. He’s been coming into school late and leaving early. He never misses a day though. He just doesn’t do the whole day.” Ross ruffled his hair, something he always did when nervous.

Barry snorted. “Yeah, Dan’s _always_ there for science. He must _love_ science.” The sarcasm in his voice was thick. Arin’s heart nearly stopped when they heard that.

“What the fuck. Why is he forcing himself to come to school if he’s sick?” they said sharply. “If he wants to see me so bad why doesn’t he come around?”

Barry and Ross exchanged that look again, and Arin could feel themselves growing angry. 

“What do y’all know that I don’t?”

Barry took another hit and Ross avoided Arin’s eyes. “Well, that’s the thing. We really don’t know anything. Cross my heart I’m not lying. All we know is he’s sick and goes to the nurse a lot. And he always comes to school for science class. Sometimes he’ll only go to that class if it’s the first or last of the day. But we don’t know what he’s sick with.”

“Maybe he’s not even sick, he’s just lazy,” Barry said, blowing smoke out of his nose. 

“I dunno mate, he looks pretty sick.” Something dark crossed Ross’s face. “He doesn’t look good, y’know?   
He’s all pale and got big bags ‘round his eyes. Maybe he’s got the flu or mono or something.” 

“How long has this been happening?” Arin interjected. 

“Maybe two weeks or so,” Ross replied.

_If he wasn’t letting himself have time to recover, of course he’s still sick_ , Arin thought. “What a fucking moron,” they said. 

Barry and Ross laughed, and soon they were all in a fit of hysterics caused by stress and weed.

~

Time dragged. The amount of pot Arin had been smoking was making everything feel like one big blur. Seconds felt like hours, but looking back at it they couldn’t recall anything about the passed time. They went to school high, went to work high, went to volunteer high. They had to stop getting weed from Barry and start buying it directly because Barry was getting concerned about how they needed a new gram every couple of days. Arin had no time for the questions, the prodding intervention. There was no time to try to explain why they needed the drugs to make it through the day. It didn’t get any easier to live without him. And unless they smoked copious amounts of weed, they couldn’t even begin to think about sleeping. It was impossible. They needed it to live now, and they didn’t want to be sober. Ignoring the concerned looks plastered on each of their friends’ faces when they were hanging out, Arin just wanted to make it through another day intact. 

One Thursday afternoon in science class, Arin decided to sit next to Dan and try to make some conversation, hoping to learn more about what he was sick with, if he was sick at all.

“Hey,” Arin said nonchalantly, taking their materials out of their bag. They arranged the textbook, notebook, and pencils very carefully around their side of the lab table. Dan was wringing his hands under the table. 

“Hey. Did you do the homework?”

“There was homework?” 

“Nah. Don’t think so.”

Arin chuckled. They examined Dan’s face. He was staring straight ahead, not moving much expect for the never-ending wringing of his hands. 

“How have you been?” they ventured, not wanting to scare Danny off. It was like the childhood summers they spent chasing wildlife, not moving so fast as to make the lizards scurry away.

Danny sucked the inside of his cheek. He really did look pale and exhausted. “I dunno,” he whispered.

“Why do you only come to school for one class?”

He glared at them. “How did you know that?”

“Ross and Barry.”

“Goddammit.”

“They were both high, I don’t think they would’ve said anything otherwise.” 

“You’re high right now, aren’t you?”

Of course Dan would know. He was the infamous school stoner, one of the biggest dealers in town. Arin sucked in air through their nose. “Yeah. Kinda.” 

“You’re always high now.”

“Shut up.”

Dan shrugged.

“You never answered my question though. Why do you only come to one class?”

“Do you mean why do I only attend one class a day, or why it’s only _this_ class?”

“Both I guess.” 

The teacher had entered the room and started lecturing, but they were seated at the back, and ignored him. Dan sighed and angled his body towards Arin. His long hair was tangled and dull, falling around his face in a dry mess. “I only attend one class because it’s all I can handle, and it’s this one because I want it to be.”

“That was the least satisfactory answer you could’ve given.”

“At least I gave one.” 

Arin rolled their eyes hard and groaned. 

“Boys?” the teacher called from the front of the room. “Pay attention!”

Arin and Danny had no choice but to face forward and take notes. As usual, Arin had a hard time focusing. They knew their grades had been mostly slipping to the wayside which was why they needed to put so much into studying. But today was awful. They desperately wanted to know what the hell was wrong with Dan, and while they had their hunches on why he only came to this class, they wanted to hear him say it. 

When class was letting out, Arin grabbed the sleeve of Danny’s black leather jacket and made him stay.

“What is _wrong_? I know we’re taking a break but…I’m here if you really need me,” Arin said, anxiety clear in their voice. 

The boy sighed. “I just come when I want and leave when I want. It’s nothing new.”

“You don’t look well.”

“I’m _fine_.”

“Maybe you should stop being a stubborn asshole for one second of your life and let someone help you.” 

Anger crossed Danny’s face, quick and fleeting, but Arin saw it. They let go of his jacket. 

Dan sighed again and took Arin’s face in his hands. “I don’t want to worry you.” 

He kissed their forehead, and then left the room. 

Inside, Arin cursed Dan Avidan. They cursed him to hell. Why the hell does he have to be such a fucking jerk all the time? An even better question would be why the hell does Arin still love him so damn much? They packed up their stuff and stormed out of the room. They didn’t even want to go to their last class, but they had nowhere to go, so they went to Dan’s house. 

Avi opened the door with a wide smile and happy greeting as always, but worry floated around him and put a damper on his demeanor. 

“Hello, you have come at a strange time! Do come in though, do you want some water or tea?” Avi was always so kind and loving. He was a second father to Arin.

“Hi, yeah, sorry about that.” Arin smiled apologetically. “My last class was cancelled and I wanted to come talk to you. I’m kind of…worried. About Dan.”

There was that worry again, floating across Avi’s face as he gently touched Arin’s arm and led them to sit down.

“I know that ehhh…You and Daniel have not talked for a while? Or do not talk a lot? I don’t know why that is and I won’t ask. You will sort things out, I know.” 

Arin nodded, apprehensive of what was coming. 

“So…I’m guessing he did not tell you about what is happening.”

“What’s happening, Avi, what do you mean?” 

“Dan, Danny, he has…I do not remember the English word, ehh…Cancer of the blood. He has cancer.” 

And in that moment, Arin’s world stopped turning.


	6. something kept me standing by that hospital bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan, arin, and the rest of the grumps are high school students in their senior year of high school. dan and arin have been friends for most of their lives, and spend almost every waking moment together. rumors fly of their potential gay relationship, which become more of an issue when arin admits his feelings. things don't work out, but after dan gets sick, they are both forced to truly evaluate their feelings with the imminent threats of death and adulthood loom over their heads.
> 
> playlist: https://8tracks.com/efamk/i-cut-you-off-when-i-get-scared
> 
> (chapter warnings at notes in beginning of each chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: sadness, probably.

Arin came to on the floor, with Avi and Danny hovering over them. Avi looked extremely concerned but Dan seemed nonplussed. 

“AWAKE! HE IS AWAKE!” Avi yelled, and ran to the kitchen.

“What the fuck,” Arin groaned, rolling over on to their side, mostly to avoid Dan’s glare.

“You passed out and were the floor when I came home,” Dan grumbled. “Avi was freaking the fuck out but wouldn’t tell me what happened.” 

Arin curled into fetal position but didn’t say anything. 

Soon Avi returned with a cold compress and was pressing it to Arin’s head and fanning them. “We did this in the war,” he said loudly. “Help the people who faint. Don’t sit up yet, no no, just relax, no repeats. Does your head hurt? Look at me I need to see your pupils.” 

Arin’s head did hurt, but not much. They opened their eyes to look at Avi, who examined them closely. Avi then rubbed their head over, searching for bruises. Danny sat down on the couch behind the two. 

“Avi, I’m okay, it’s fine,” Arin said, slowly moving to an upright position. “How long was I out?”

“Not too long, do not worry!” Avi said. “You look okay. Things are okay, yes? No emergency room?”

“I’m fine, trust me.”

Avi stood up, crossing his arms. “Okaaaaaaeeeyyyyy. Do you want to call your parents?”

“Maybe in a little.”

He seemed to get the hint, and left the two alone. 

Arin sat on the floor hugging their knees to their chest and eyes cast down. Dan was bouncing his leg nervously, like he always did. The both remained silent. Arin had no idea to bring this up. It was obvious that he didn’t want Arin knowing about his cancer, and they were worried he’d get mad at Avi for telling them. They were also worried that he would get mad at them. Though really, after the way they’d been acting, they probably deserved it. Self-serving was the best way to describe their attitude over the past couple of months. Egotistical. As though they were the only one with problems. 

Arin sighed and rested their head on their knees. “Why didn’t you tell?”

Dan slid off the couch to sit in front of Arin, looking into their eyes. “Tell you what?”

“About the cancer.”

He closed his eyes and his nostrils widened as he let out a long breath. “Didn’t want to. Didn’t want to worry you. Guess a part of me thought you wouldn’t care.” 

“Why wouldn’t I care?”

“We’ve been fighting.”

“Doesn’t mean I want you to fucking die!” 

The last word slammed down, like a cinderblock thrown out of a window. It hit them both hard, and they stared at each other for a while, unable and unwilling to speak. Dan mirrored Arin’s position, hugging his knees to his chest, and then buried his face. 

“It’s leukemia, stage 3,” Dan finally said, the words muffled by his legs.

Arin’s heart pounded and his palms began to sweat. He felt dizzy again and wanted to lie down, but remained sitting to be level with Danny. “Can they…cure it?”

Danny shrugged. 

Arin moved to try to hug the boy’s shoulders, but Dan whipped his head up and threw Arin’s hands off him. “You only fucking care about me now that I’m dying.”

They could feel their eyes welling up; the words felt like a whip against their face. But they could understand where Dan was coming from. “I promise that’s not it.” Their voice cracked. 

Dan laughed, short and loud. “Yeah, right.”

“Really,” Arin said desperately. 

“I don’t want your pity.” 

Arin buried their face in their hands. This hurt, it hurt more than anything they had ever felt before. But they understood it. They knew why he was doing this. And they deserved it. Arin looked up again.

Dan was sitting there, gripping his knees and tears streaming down his face along with something else.

“Danny…your nose is bleeding.” 

~ 

Arin called their parents from the payphone in the ER’s waiting room.

“Yeah…I’m at the hospital…No, no, it’s not me, don’t worry. It’s…Dan. Apparently he’s really sick and I…don’t wanna talk about it. Not now. I’ll be home later…Yeah, his parents are here too…Okay…Love you too…Goodbye.”

Their parents were shaken and concerned by Danny’s sudden admission to the emergency room, but they didn’t have the stamina to explain right now. The waiting room at the hospital was busy and filled with people going through all sorts of horrible shit, needing to be seen by a doctor or admitted. It was only 4pm. Arin sat in an uncomfortable chair by the entrance, getting hit with blasts of Florida humidity every time the sliding doors opened. Dan was in with his parents getting seen by an admitting nurse. Once he got a room, Arin might be allowed in, unless he was put into ICU. 

Arin covered their face with their hands. They didn’t wanna think about ICU. 

The hour long wait for a nurse was excruciating. Dan’s nose wouldn’t stop bleeding, and Arin kept going to the bathroom to grab more tissues. Eventually, they just stole an entire roll of toilet paper and fed the single ply sheets to Dan whenever he needed them. 

He looked awful. The blood that was splattered all over him wasn’t helping. He was pale, oh so pale. His skin was almost translucent and their were dark circles around his eyes. He was dull. They could almost see the life fading from him. But that’s another thing Arin didn’t want to think about. 

They had no idea what caused the nosebleeds with leukemia but they knew it was serious, considering that Dan wouldn’t stop bleeding. Everything from the past few months were beginning to come together; the erratic behavior, the extra pot, the school nurse’s concern, the skipping school…it all made sense now. Arin had no idea if any of their other friend’s knew about Dan’s condition, and this wasn’t the time to ask. Lacking a cell phone was really annoying right now, because they needed support from someone, anyone. They didn’t know if they could actually support Dan in this by themselves. They didn’t know if Dan even wanted that. 

By the time a nurse finally called for the Avidan’s, Dan looked like he was going to pass out. Avi, ever the strong ex-Israeli-army man, was crying as he supported his son’s body to the examination room. His mother trailed behind, looking empty. It was almost impossible to watch. 

Arin cried the entire trip to the ER, and was crying now. They cried during that whole hour long wait. And now they were tired. 

They tilted their head back to look up at the skylights in the ceiling. The sun beat down and bounced off the walls. There was no peace here though, despite the light blue paint and the pretty, happy murals that were plastered around the hospital. Everything was antiseptic. They felt someone standing in front of them.

“Dan is in a room now,” Avi said. Arin looked up.

The man looked tired, drained. They couldn’t imagine the toll this was taking on him and his wife, especially since they had another child to take care of. They weren’t the richest people, either, so Arin hoped they could afford to treat Dan. Arin stood. “Am I allowed to come?” they asked. 

“Yes, please come,” Avi replied, gesturing to follow him. 

The walls were white once you left the waiting area of the ER. It was almost as though the hospital stopped feigning hope and happiness, and truth of Danny’s health crashed into them when they got into the elevator, and they had to hold back their tears. 

Avi was facing the doors, not looking at Arin when he said: “It’s gotten worse.” 

Arin’s stomach dropped, but they didn’t say a thing as the elevator doors opened and they walked into the pediatric cancer ward. 

Dan was sitting upright in bed, talking to his mom, and his sister who had arrived at the hospital a few minutes ago. He was joking about how old he felt surrounded by kids on pediatric. 

“You’re still under pediatric care for now,” his mom said. Her eyes were red-rimmed but she was trying to laugh. His sister was curled up on a chair at the end of the bed, silent. 

There was a lot of silence right now, even though Dan’s voice rang out and the ward was bustling. The silence of it was louder than anything. 

Avi walked into the room without hesitation but Arin stood at the door. Even though they’d been part of this family for years, they felt like a stranger now, unwelcome. They didn’t blame Danny for it.

He turned to look at Arin. His face was still pale and he had a tissue stuck up his right nostril. It was almost comical, but countered by the hanging bags of IV drips and the heart monitor. Arin couldn’t feel their face or bring their feet to move. 

Dan frowned as Arin walked in. 

They looked at the floor. “I’m sorry if you don’t want me here,” they whispered. 

“Could you guys leave for a little bit?” Dan asked his family. They all nodded and rose, quickly clearing the room. Arin wondered how much they knew about Arin’s relationship — or lack thereof — with Dan currently. 

The boy crossed his arms. “I’m wearing a stupid johnny right now with no underwear. So much ass-chafe from these hospital sheets.” Dan wiggled around. 

Arin barked a little laugh. It was forced and Dan knew. Neither of them said anything. 

“Do you pity me?” he asked. 

“Should I?”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Why not?”

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“So do you.”

Arin huffed. “I don’t know what you want from me. I know you’re mad. You have ever right to be. I…I haven’t been nice. I’ve been self-centered. I know you think it’s the cancer that made me care, but really it’s the cancer that made me notice how awful I’ve been. And I feel guilty that it would take such a thing to make me come to my senses.” 

Danny looked at Arin with wide eyes, shocked at all the emotional confessions they just spewed. Arin teared up again. He looked away again. 

“I don’t want pity from anyone. I don’t want anyone to think I’m some sob story just ‘cause I’m dying,” he said obstinately. 

Arin sank into the chair next to the bed. “Please don’t say you’re dying. You’re not dying. You’re not.”

Dan sipped some water. “You’re in denial. They said I’m getting worse. Nobody told me how long I have left but I’m guessing it’s short.”

“How are you so nonchalant about this?!” Arin sobbed.

“I don’t know what else to do.” 

Arin bent over, chin on their knees, and cried. They tried to stop the sobs but it was no use. Their best friend, their true love, was dying. And they couldn’t stop it. And they were awful to him when he was getting sicker. They felt Dan’s hand on their back, rubbing in small circles. 

“You don’t have to watch me die if you don’t want to,” he whispered. 

They sat back up, wiping their eyes. “No. Don’t comfort me. I’m not the one who needs it right now.” 

“I’m fine,” Dan replied.

“Stop lying.”

“The lying helps.” He faltered. “It makes me feel less scared.” His voice was cracking now, and his eyes filling. He gripped Arin’s shoulder, hard.

“I want to take care of you,” Arin said, their voice gravelly from crying. 

“That’s not your responsibility.” 

“I love you.”

Tears streamed down Danny’s face. “Then leave.”


	7. it's just medicine/you've got a warm heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan, arin, and the rest of the grumps are high school students in their senior year of high school. dan and arin have been friends for most of their lives, and spend almost every waking moment together. rumors fly of their potential gay relationship, which become more of an issue when arin admits his feelings. things don't work out, but after dan gets sick, they are both forced to truly evaluate their feelings with the imminent threats of death and adulthood loom over their heads.
> 
> playlist: https://8tracks.com/efamk/i-cut-you-off-when-i-get-scared
> 
> (chapter warnings at notes in beginning of each chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: more sadness, but less than last time. also it takes place in a hospital.

Arin stared at Dan incredulously. “Are you kidding me,” they said flatly. The tears slowed as they returned to their normal sarcastic self, sick of Danny’s stupid stubbornness. 

Dan furrowed his brow. “I’m serious, if you love me you’ll leave.”

“That makes absolutely no fucking sense.”

“It needs to happen!”

“This isn’t some TV drama and let’s stop acting like it.”

“I don’t want this to hurt you.”

“It’s gonna hurt whether I stay here and watch or I leave and see your obituary in a few months.” 

Dan looked at Arin, a fleeting feeling crossing his face, some expression of emotion they couldn’t quite place. He opened and closed his mouth a few times thinking about what to say. Biting his lip, he said: “I didn’t want to be gay and have cancer.” 

The two gazed at each other for a minute before bursting into laughter. It was sick and wrong to laugh at a time like this, but it was almost impossible not to. That’s a line out of a TV soap, to match the TV soap drama the two had spewing at each other for the past few months. They laughed and laughed, crying and shaking. Arin bear hugged Dan, but was careful to not mess up his IV or heart monitor. They held each other, still laughing.

When the hysteria died down, Arin kept their head buried in the crook of Dan’s neck, feeling his warmth. He stroked their hair. 

“I’m sorry I dated Sasha,” he whispered.

Arin looked up. “You’re really apologizing for _that_ at a time like this?”

He shrugged.

“You’re an idiot.”

Another shrug.

Arin rolled their eyes. “Listen, I don’t fucking care you dated her. I was self-serving and got all pissy about you helping me, and then I made things complicated, and like, whatever.” 

“I just…I don’t know. This is all so much to think about you know? I’m dying and I’m gay.” The two broke out into giggles again.

“Don’t think about the gay shit, okay? Focus on getting better, that’s what’s more important.”

“What about your feelings?”

“What about ‘em?”

Dan’s eyes searched Arin’s face, lingering at the strands of brown hair that were strewn across their forehead and the fuzz growing on their upper lip. He sighed. “I don’t know what I can give you.”

Arin rolled their eyes so hard it hurt. “Shut. Up.”

Dan huffed but Arin put a hand on his face.

“Shhhhh,” they whispered.

“I still like, wanna cuddle with you, and stuff, like, bros,” Dan stuttered.

“Whatever you want. Your wish is my command.”

He hesitated before leaning in to kiss Arin on the lips. His lips lingered on theirs, not moving but not pulling away. Arin wasn’t sure what to do. Dan had just talked about how unsure he was about everything, and how he didn’t know what he could give them, but now he was kissing them. They had to cut him some slack, though. He was very confused and scared and overwhelmed and Arin cupped his cheek and kissed him back, moving their lips softly and slowly to not startle the boy. He slipped his tongue into Arin’s mouth, and in the background of the hazy kiss, they could both hear the heart monitor go crazy.

That night, they stayed together. Things were normal for the first time in a long while and the fantasy only broken by the hum of the hospital. Arin kept their eyes closed, shut tight to block out the harsh fluorescent, and buried their nose in Danny’s neck to cancel the smell of medicine. 

~

Around 6am, they were roused by a nurse. She was stout and middle aged woman with a no shit demeanor. 

She flicked the lights on in the room without warning, rousing everyone. When they came to, Arin realized, with a start, that Dan’s entire family were asleep in various positions on assorted furniture. His parents woke up and, looking groggy, asked the nurse what was happening. Dan’s sister stayed curled up on the bench near the window, her face covered by her coat. None of them said anything about Dan and Arin’s cuddling. 

“Sorry to wake y’all,” the nurse drawled in a sweet Georgia accent. “But I gotta take his vitals. Hospital procedure, and all that. I’ll let’im get some food before I steal his blood.” 

She was kind of brutish but Arin liked her. Even Dan smiled sleepily while she wrapped him up in blood pressure cuffs and listened to his heart and lungs.

“I will get the coffee,” Avi said. He slowly rose and dragged his feet out of the room. 

Dan’s mother gave Arin a quick smile. “You should call your parents. Not sure you’ll make it to school today, honey.”

“Fuuuuck,” they groaned. “It’s Friday.”

“Unbelievable, I know…feels like it’s not even a day anymore. There’s no name.”

Arin finger brushed their hair and looked away from Dan’s mom. Sometimes she was knowing for their liking. 

Next to them, Dan lolled their head. “It’s bright,” he groaned.

They leaned their head on his shoulder. “Good morning.”

“Call your mom, stupid.”

Arin gave Dan a joking glare and got up to use the payphone out in the main area of the ward. 

The phone rang for so long they thought no one would pick up, until finally they hard a click and a low “hello?”

“Hi…Mom? I’m… still at the hospital.”

At the other end, they heard some shifting. “Still?”

“Uh. Yeah. I fell asleep.”

“Is it serious?”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“Stop being so damn cryptic, Arin. What’s wrong? What happened?”

They leaned their head against the wall next to the phone. The feelings came like this, in huge tsunami waves. Just when they got a handle on the terror, it all came flooding back. They took a breath. “Leukemia.”

“Are you kidding? You’re kidding. You’re joking,” their mother said, her voice jumping an octave, unsteady.

“I really wish I was, mom.”

“I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

“Wait, what?”

There was a loud exhale. “Danny is basically my kid too, just like you’re the Avidan’s. I’ll be there.” 

And she hung up. 

They replaced the phone on the hook and placed both hands on the wall next to their head. Arin loved their mother, they loved their parents very much, and that’s what made this so hard. Having all four parents there was going to be too much for them to handle. There was no way to stay afloat in this. Dan was dying. Dan didn’t have much longer to live. Dan didn’t have much longer to live. Dan wasn’t even 18 and didn’t have much longer to live. The hyperventilation started up, but they braced themselves and started back to Dan’s room. 

Before they could get there, his mother stopped them. She touched their arm and smiled that quiet, knowing smile again. 

“I know that you and Dan are…more than friends. And that’s okay,” she said, keeping her voice down. “We’re fine with it. Danny doesn’t know we know, though. But you love him, and that’s all that matters.”

“I’m sorry you’re going through this,” Arin replied, trying to hold back sobs. “I’m. I can’t imagine how you feel. I just can’t even imagine. I don’t…”

She cut them off with a hug, big and warm even though she was a small woman. 

“I talked to the doctor again. There might be something they can do,” she whispered into their ear. “There is hope.”

_There is hope._


	8. you can take it out on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan, arin, and the rest of the grumps are high school students in their senior year of high school. dan and arin have been friends for most of their lives, and spend almost every waking moment together. rumors fly of their potential gay relationship, which become more of an issue when arin admits his feelings. things don't work out, but after dan gets sick, they are both forced to truly evaluate their feelings with the imminent threats of death and adulthood loom over their heads.
> 
> playlist: https://8tracks.com/efamk/i-cut-you-off-when-i-get-scared
> 
> (chapter warnings at notes in beginning of each chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: more cancer stuff, more hospital stuff

“It’s a special new type of treatment, a lot more radical. Along with radiation and chemotherapy, Danny will get an injection two times a day of this specialized medication,” Dan’s mother told Arin. They were sitting in the hospital cafeteria eating lunch, waiting for Dan to get out of radiation. It was about two weeks since Dan’s admission that fateful and horrible Thursday, and Arin spent almost all their time at the hospital. Really, they only left to go to school, occasionally taking a night to sleep at their house. But they were basically a piece of furniture at the ward now. 

“It’s been so long for this information to come,” Arin said between mouthfuls of chicken salad sandwich.

“They wanted to see if the normal treatment would work,” she replied, rubbing her eyes. The past couple of months had aged her a lot. She was a lot more pallid and slow now, constantly tired from endless hours at the hospital and begging for money from insurance companies and relatives. 

“Obviously it hasn’t. They shouldn’t have waited so long.” Arin didn’t know a lot about medicine, being a high school student who focused a lot on writing and animation. But they did know they were pissed that the doctors let Dan suffer through so much pointless treatment instead of sending him where he needed to go. As the days passed, he looked more and more hopeless, desolate. All of his hair was gone and he was more gaunt than usually. Arin felt themselves almost regretting not leaving when Dan told them too, and they hated themselves for feeling that way. But watching your best friend and lover die is not an easy thing to do. 

“I know you’re angry. I am too,” Dan’s mom said softly. 

“Is he out of radiation yet?”

“Another 10 minutes or so, and then we have to wait half an hour.”

Arin grunted and put their head down on the sticky table. “It sucks we can’t be there for him like radiation seems so…scary.”

She gently stroked his hair and said nothing. 

Arin was so upset they weren’t allowed to touch Dan now that he was going through radiation. Their last kiss was over 10 days ago and they weren’t even allowed to hold his hand. It felt like all they were doing was pumping him full of nuclear juice. Also his immune system was basically destroyed and everyone around him had to be sterile and wear masks. Their chest ached imagining how that must feel. A single tear dropped from their eye onto the tabletop.   
“This really doesn’t get any easier,” they muttered to no one in particular.   
“It doesn’t.” 

~ 

“Hi,” Dan croaked out, turning his head to watch his mother and Arin come into his room. He smiled. 

Arin couldn’t help but grin back at him. The one thing that hadn’t faded was his beautiful smile, and Arin’s heart pounded and stomach dropped like it always had in the past. The two sat down next to him and starting asking how the radiation went, as routine. A few minutes later, the oncologist walked in and perched herself on the table across from the bed. 

She smiled empathetically. “I have some bad news and some good news.”

Dan grunted. 

“The cancer is rapidly growing and spreading. It’s been mostly resistant to the treatment we have available here. We need to send you to Horizon Treatment Center, in California. They have what you need there,” she said.

“Well it’s about damn time,” Dan laughed angrily. “You’ve been putting me through hell these past few weeks and it’s been doing absolutely fucking nothing!” 

“I understand you’re angry but we’re doing the best we…”

“Fuck off!” Dan yelled, cutting her off. “I’ve been rotting here, and now I’m going to rot in some weird ass treatment center on the other side of the country. Fantastic! Fucking fantastic.”

Dan’s mother took his hand. “This will save you.” Her eyes were welling up with tears. “This is our last hope.”

The doctor clasped her hands on her lap. “You have two choices, stay here and let the cancer progress to stage four and kill you, or you can go to this treatment center and get the treatment you actually need.”

“I wouldn’t have been so close to death if it wasn’t for you idiots anyway.” 

“We don’t have the technology here, I’m sorry.” 

“I never said I wasn’t going, I’m just angry.” 

Arin leaned their head on the railing on the bed and sighed, trying not to cry. All they wanted was for Danny to get better, so they could go back to the way things were, when he was healthy and smiling and playing with the hose on his front lawn in the hot summer sun. They wanted Dan back. They didn’t want Dan to die. They wanted Dan to be healthy. They wanted. They wanted. They wanted. 

Arin heard the doctor standing up. “Well, that’s good. You will leave tomorrow, we need to get you out there as soon as possible.” 

Avi, who had just gotten out of work, entered the room, and the doctor took the two to her office to discuss the flight and what would happen when they were out west. 

After they left, Arin slipped their hand into Dan’s.

“I’m radioactive,” Dan murmured, but made no effort to move away from Arin’s grip. 

“I don’t give a fuck.” Arin lifted their head to look at Dan. The boy was staring down at them, eyes full of tears. 

“I’m scared,” he whispered, lips barely moving. 

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I want to be selfless,” he said. “But I can’t.” His voice cracked. “Please stay here with me tonight. Please keep in contact with me when I’m out there. I would bring you if I could.”

Arin could feel the tears dripping down their face, hot and salty. “You don’t need to act like a martyr. I’m here for you, until the very end.” They tightened their grip on his hand. “Regardless of what the end holds.” 

Dan leaned his head down, and with his chin touching his chest, he began to sob loudly. It was the first time in the two weeks Arin had seen him cry, seen him _really_ cry. It was heart wrenching. They stood to wrap their arms around his shoulders and hold him as he let out the pain of months of knowing that his life might end, after not really living at all. 

“Can I sit with you?” Arin said, lips brushing Dan’s head.

“Yeah,” he replied, scooting over and rearranging his IV cords. “They gonna get mad at you for sitting near me.”

Arin sat down, close to Dan, and pulled him in gently. “I still really don’t give a fuck.”

He giggled. “Just warning you, radiation makes you feel kinda weird.”

“I’m sure I won’t have severe effects.” They tenderly planted a kiss on Dan’s forehead.

They were quiet for a few minutes, sitting together and enjoying the warmth of each other that they hadn’t felt in a while. “I’m fucking mad, dude,” Dan said. He had regained control of his voice.

“I know. I am too. Me and your mom talked about it earlier in the cafeteria.”

He laughed, a short bark. “Yeah, everyone is mad.” He thought for a moment. “I want to get fucking better and I’m so fucking mad that they didn’t do what they _knew_ they should have done to begin with.” Dan was gripping at the bedsheets, his knuckles white. 

Arin massaged his hands. “You can take it out on me.” 

They looked at each other, one searching the other’s brown eyes. “I hate your hair,” Dan growled, taking a handful of it in his fist.

The other teen didn’t falter or cringe. All they said was: “I know.”

“And I hate how fucking understanding you are.”

“I know.”

“And I hate how rude you were to me.”

“I know.”

“And I hate that I’m dying.

“I know.”

Suddenly, Dan pulled Arin’s face close to his and brought them in for a deep, hard kiss. It happened to quickly Arin wasn’t even sure it was real. Their lips mashed, Danny biting and sucking and sticking his tongue as far into Arin’s mouth as it would go. He pulled hard on their hair, eliciting a soft moan from the back of their throat. He harshly gripped their jaw, digging his soft nails into the side of their cheek.

And as quickly as it begun, it was over. The heart monitor in the background was going off the charts again, and a nurse rushed in to see what was the matter.

“You two shouldn’t be that close!” she said, startled. 

As if in a dream, Arin got off the bed and sat on the bench near the window, watching as Danny settled down for the night. 

~ 

It was about 4am when they woke up. Arin had fallen asleep in the weirdest position on the bench and had a crick in their neck. The hospital was as busy as ever. _These people never sleep_ , they thought to themselves.

Dan, however, was silent and peaceful. Arin smiled at him. This would be the last time they would ever see him, maybe forever. Their heart felt like it was going to explode. 

They jumped off the bench; they had an idea they needed to do. For Dan. One last thing.

At the front desk of the nurses’ station, they asked: “Hey, do you guys have a shaving razor I could use?”


End file.
